Hiding Places

Whenever shopping for a new home, I think it’s a good idea to ask the realtor about hiding places right off the bat. But you can’t just ask your realtor about hiding places--you have to pull him or her aside, lower your voice, and in a sexy whisper, ask “Could you show me the hiding places?” while moving your index finger from the tip of your nose out toward his or her face, and raising your eyebrows up and down, and then up again. This’ll let them know that you know your hiding places and, failing to do that, the realtor will show you the obvious hiding places--the cupboard, the attic, maybe even some crawlspace--while leaving out the really good stuff.
    I recently moved from a two-story colonial. It was a beautiful home in a good neighborhood, but like I told Carol that November morning, “not enough hiding places.” I need crevices, cubby holes, underground tunnels, maybe even an oubliette, for what we pros call “permanent hiding.”
    Not a lot of homes have oubliettes these days. It’s much more practical to look for cellar doors, trap doors and false doors. I also find it necessary to tug on all the books on the book shelves to check for secret rooms, which, I can tell you, are just tops for hiding from chores or work or packs of dogs, whatever.
    The realtor may find this practice a bit odd, but that’s fine. Just laugh and say something like, “Gotta find the hiding places somehow, goober.” Calling them goober will let them know that you’re an aficionado, and, after that, you can continue your search in peace. Remember to check any candle sticks, statuettes and electronic eye scanners as well, as these have also been known to lead to secret rooms.
    “My dream house has fine columns, French doors, and more secret rooms than non-secret rooms,” I explained to Carol last week. “It has tunnels leading from room to room, and a fireman’s pole, in case I need to move from an upstairs hiding place to a downstairs hiding place quickly; it has seven dog houses, only one actually containing the dog. The other six: You guessed it, hiding places. Hopefully, one of these hiding places will have a scary skeleton in it--that’s the sign of a really good hiding place, you see--”
    Carol cut me off.
    “Why, exactly, do you need all these hiding places?”
    We stared at each other for a moment, and I turned, to run away.
    “I’ll tell you,” I yelled over my shoulder, “If you can find me.”