One of the more arousing characteristics of the modern folding chair is its versatility--however, this is also the cause for a lot of confused grunts and frustrated head-scratching around households of every brand throughout the nation. Which is to say, a folding chair is a little like a kazoo: it’s hard to figure out initially, but once you do, man oh man, you’re in for one gem of a hoedown. (For more on how to operate your kazoo, consult my earlier piece, Kazoos and You: Squeaking Through the Postmodern Age).
Upon purchasing a folding chair, you’ll want to inspect it: Does it have four legs? Is it furry and breathing? Is it meowing?
If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, you’ve made the common rookie mistake of confusing a folding chair with a house cat. Don’t beat yourself up over it--this is a mistake we’ve all made at one time or another. If you sat on the cat, believing it to be a folding chair, simply discard the body in a nearby receptacle. If it is still alive, leave it outside and let it roam free, as nature intended.
In order to avoid this mistake in the future, here are some basic differences between the house cat and the folding chair:
Cat: Animate
Chair: Inanimate
Cat: Furry and warm
Chair: Cold and metal
Cat: Occasionally meows
Chair: Occasionally creaks
Cat: Not good for sitting
Chair: Good for sitting
Now, once you’ve purchased a folding chair, and inspected it to make sure it’s not a cat or some other animal, you’ll want to master the chair in its sitting mode. To do this, unfold the chair and set it down on an even surface. Then, simply place your buttocks in the seat part.
Congratulations, you’ve taken the first step on your journey to becoming a folding chair connoisseur!
Of course, this is only one of the myriad uses for the folding chair. The second-most popular use of the folding chair, according to the National Council on Folding Chairs, is as a weapon. Stand up, and fold the chair back up. Now, holding the legs in your hands, lift the chair over your head and swing it at whoever you think deserves a good folding chair bashing. If you notice a painful throbbing in your head after a few minutes, there’s a good chance you’re hitting yourself--another common rookie mistake. Simply bandage your wounds, and practice. If you haven’t mastered this step after a few weeks, you may need to consider taking lessons. Many YMCAs and Athletic Clubs offer classes in the art of hitting people with folding chairs, the number growing every day.
Not all uses of the folding chair are violent. Some, like the “Talky Chair” routine for example, are quite funny. The “Talky Chair” can be used to delight relatives at a family reunion, attract women, or even console a mourning widow. Pull it off, and you’ll be the belle of the ball. Botch it, and you’ll just be another dickface who doesn’t know his way around a folding chair.
To accomplish the “Talky Chair,” return your chair to sitting position. Now, grab the seat with one hand, the back with the other, and move them up and down, like a moving mouth. Now, simply talk in a funny, voice--to accomplish this, ask yourself, "What would a folding chair talk like?" Some, more seasoned crowds may demand refined “Talky Chair” material, but for most, the idea of a chair talking is enough to have them rolling.
If, after you’ve mastered these three basic uses, you’re interested in learning more about folding chairs, vis a vis, how to get the most out of your folding chair, you may consider my extensive guidebooks on the following folding chair disciplines:
*The Folding Chair as a Projectile
*The Folding Chair as a Sex Partner; or Why You Shouldn’t Try To Have Sex With Your Folding Chair
*The Folding Chair as a Musical Instrument
*Cats & Folding Chairs: The Subtle Differences
*Blenders, and Other Things That Aren’t Folding Chairs
No comments:
Post a Comment