In Defense Of Punching A Twelve-Year-Old In The Face

    There isn’t really any way to sugar coat what I’m about to say, so I won’t bother trying: I punched a twelve-year-old in the face. Now before you go calling me a “Bully,” and a “terrible person” and a “criminal,” like the child’s parents, let me try to explain how I, a fully grown 24-year-old man might punch with a closed fist the face of a child only approaching the precipice of puberty.
    It all started when I was down at the Hidey Hole, a pornography theater and well-known house of ill repute. A man bumped into me at the popcorn and lotion stand, and like I do sometimes, I said, “Watch it, bozo.” The man then responded “I know you are but what am I?” and I thought, “I’ll show him,” and punched his smug, youthful face.
    When the torso of the man flew off from his legs, I thought that I had punched him in half. I was worried, and a little impressed with myself. I thought of my high school teachers, how they told me I’d never accomplish anything. “Shows what you know,” I thought. “I just punched a guy in half!” Then I saw the little fat kid underneath, and I knew I had made a mistake. But I argue that my mistake is an understandable one.
    You see, I am not what the state would define as a smart man, or even a competent man. In my life, I have eaten no less than six pieces of wax fruit. I invested my life savings in a telegraph company--and that was in 2008. I once called 911 because my belt loop got caught on a wayward nail in my house. I spent two weeks in community college, at the behest of a particularly spiteful professor, wearing a shirt that read, in bold letters, “RETARD.”
    So when I see a six-foot-tall man in a trench coat--which, as you probably know is a fairly common sight at a smut-house--I’ll assume that, if he runs afoul of me, I’m allowed to punch him in the face. Because he is a man--and is punching a guy in the face such a crime? Should I make sure, before punching someone, that they aren’t actually two children, one atop the others’ shoulders? Should I just stop punching people in the face?
    I guess my point is this: Aaaaah! Confusing!
    Now you understand how one may be led to punch a twelve-year-old in the face, and though what happened at the smut-house last October was regrettable--as were the four times I’ve punched adolescent children since then--I hope that in time, we can all just laugh about this like I do sometimes.