What's Important To Me

 I think it’s important to be honest with people. That’s why, when Carol served me that gross chicken salad sandwich last week, I told her that her cooking makes me want to puke, and suggested that her chicken salad tasted like “mayonnaise-covered dog turds.”
    I think it’s important to communicate with your partner, and that is why I said all that stuff through a megaphone.
    I think children are our future, but we shouldn’t tell them that, because then they’ll get all cocky.
    Speaking of children, I think they’re already a bit self-satisfied, and I think it’s important that we all join together as a society, and put them in check.
    I think it’s important to examine oneself, ask oneself the tough questions, like, “Am I getting a little fat?” and, if yes, I think it’s important for society to mock that person, so as to motivate them to be the best they can be.
    I think it’s important to be quiet in movie theaters, unless you get scared and scream and throw up on the person in front of you. And if you’re sitting in a movie theater and someone behind you throws up all over you, I think it’s important that you forgive that person, and not make such a big fuss over it. He said sorry.
    If you decide you want to murder someone, I think it’s important to go through the proper channels, and get a permit, so you don’t get into any trouble.
    I think it’s important to have a plan in case of a home fire. My plan is to cry and cower in my bed until the firemen arrive.
    I think it’s important to live, but not so much to laugh, or love.
    Most of all, I think it’s important to agree with what I think is important--because if not, it will become important to me that your front door is covered in eggs.