Dude-bro (Looks at camera): Hey women; you think you can handle the high intensity, low-cal kick in the testicles that is Dr. Pepper 10?!
Yeah, we didn’t think so, because you don’t have any testicles! (Cut to diagram of female reproductive system.) See?! No testicles!
You see women, you might have won the right to vote and to drive--but this is Dr. Pepper 10! This ain’t no pussy-ass Congress! (Cut to photo of pussy-ass Congress.) And it’ll be a cold day in hell before we allow women to horn in on the veiny, boner-fest of a man-jam that is the low calorie soft drink game! Go bake us a fucking pie!
Speaking of pie, Dr. Pepper 10 is sweet! But not too sweet! That’d be gay!
One time, I fed my girlfriend’s dog a bunch of whiskey and it was totally funny. But she didn’t think it was funny, and then she got all upset when it died--because she’s a sensitive lady! And that’s exactly why she could never handle the bold waterboarding of taste buds that goes down every time you take a sip of Dr. Pepper 10!
Don’t like monster trucks?! Fuck you!
Never seen First Blood?! Die of bird flu, nancy!
Occasionally menstruate?! No dice!
Joan of Arc led the French to several major victories in the Hundred Years War--but even if she hadn’t been burned at the stake like a thousand years ago, she couldn’t have led herself to the outrageous elbow drop of flavor contained in each drop of Dr. Pepper 10--because Dr. Pepper 10 is for men only!
A therapist once told me that my unhealthy views of women might stem from my strained relationship with my mother. Mom wasn’t around much when I was growing up, and I think ever since then, I’ve struggled with intimacy. Sometimes when I was a kid, I just wished she was there to say “Goodnight,” or read me a story. I wonder if only she knew how much I needed her back then, if she would’ve left Uncle Tyrone and come home for good. (Pauses, looks wistfully off into the distance, then back at the camera.)
Oh, sorry. Got off on a bit of a tangent there.
Anyway, drink Dr. Pepper 10! Unless you’re a broad!
(Voiceover): Dr. Pepper 10 is not intended for women, including but not limited to:
*Your sister
*Fergie
*Pat Summit
*That nice lady who cleans the house
*Your mother
*That one girl who played the pregnant girl in “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
*Ruth Bader Ginsburg
*Any of the Baseball/Basketball/Football Wives from VH1
*Gloria Steinem
*Queen Elizabeth II
*Gisele Bundchen
*April O’Neil
*Uma Thurman
*The Pussycat Dolls
*Molly Ringwald
Dr. Pepper 10: Don't be a pussy! Go low-cal!
